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Men: What You Can Do
Take "no" for an answer.
If you are unsure about your partner's feelings stop, ask and clarify.
Don't mistake submission for consent.
She may be afraid, drunk, or drugged.
Communicate your feelings and desires to your partner clearly.
Listen carefully to your partner's response.
Recognize that pressuring your partner is never acceptable.
Don't let yourself or other men take advantage of women who are drunk or drugged.
Challenge sexist attitudes and behaviors.
Don't condone inappropriate jokes, comments and gestures.
Remember that sex without consent is rape.
Don't let yourself or your friends become rapists.
Have You Ever...
 been too sexually excited to really listen to your partner?
been confused by mixed messages coming from your partner?
been too excited to ask your partner what she wanted?
thought you were "owed" sex because of something you did?
assumed that if a woman said nothing, then she meant "yes"?
There is nothing wrong with feeling sexual desire, but all too often a man does not verbally communicate his wishes, ask about his partner's's feelings, or establish consent in sexual situations. Instead, he projects his interest in sex onto his partner; he assumes she feels as he does, and he misinterprets any friendliness as an invitation.
If You Hear "No," Do You Think "Maybe"?
If You Hear "Maybe," Do You Think "Yes"?
Men have been taught that it's a routine part of seduction to assume that when a woman says "no," she means "maybe" or even "yes." Some men, if they become sexually aroused, hold women responsible for "leading them on." But without clearly established consent, what is frequently referred to as seduction is in fact rape. There are many situations in which women have submitted to men's demands because of coercion, pressure, or fear. However, women who say nothing have not consented to sexual activity. When it comes to sexual relations, only an unqualified "yes" means consent.
Do You Use Drinking or Drugs as Part of Foreplay?
Alcohol and drugs reduce sexual inhibitions, but they also impair judgment and interfere with a person's ability to think clearly and communicate effectively. It is estimated that 75% of men involved in acquaintance rape situations are under the influence of alcohol or drugs. So if you choose to drink or use drugs, pay attention to how much you consume, and know your limits. Being drunk or high is not a legal defense against a charge of rape. You are responsible for your actions, whether or not you are drunk or on drugs. Furthermore, a woman who is drunk or under the influence of drugs may be incapable of consent. Sexual intercourse under these circumstances could be rape.
Women: Can You Prevent Rape?
There are no confirmed strategies for preventing sexual assault or rape. However, some things may make you less vulnerable to assault. Most important is being aware that as a woman you may be considered vulnerable and a target. Remember: no one is ever responsible for any assault perpetrated against him or herself.
Have you ever...
Been unsure whether someone was interested in you as an individual, or just
interested in having sex?
Thought you should put up some resistance to sexual overtures when in reality you
wanted to have sex?
Refrained from articulating your true feelings to someone because you didn't want to
hurt that person or were afraid your partner would reject you or get angry?
Be Aware that whether you are drinking alcoholic or nonalcoholic beverages, there have been concerns about drugs (e.g. Rohypnol, Ketamine, GHB) being slipped into drinks, without other people suspecting anything is wrong. The drugs leave no taste or odor. These drugs are central nervous system depressants which cause loss of memory and incapacitation.
To reduce your risk of ingesting drinks with drugs, here are some tips:
Drink only from tamper-proof bottles or cans that you open yourself.
Do not ask others to watch your drink while dancing or using the bathroom. Keep it
with you.
Watch as your drink is mixed and avoid drinks from open source containers such as
punch bowls or pitchers.
Remember that the alcohol is also a drug and increases your risk of sexual assault.
Communicate
Set clear limits. All too often women do no communicate their true feelings to their partners. Most women have been taught to assume a passive demeanor in sexual interactions rather than asserting their likes or dislikes. Mixed messages may sometimes lead to uncomfortable or even dangerous situations.
Mean what you say and say what you mean. It is important for people to clarify their sexual intentions and limits before engaging in intimate activity.
Be consistent with verbal and nonverbal messages. Be aware that nonverbal actions can be misinterpreted, and trust your judgment and intuition.
Challenge sexist attitudes and behaviors such as jokes, comments, and gestures. Some men think that a woman's appearance, behavior, or past actions indicate that she wants to have sexual intercourse. Some might believe that overcoming a woman's resistance to sexual activity is actually part of seduction. Some assume that they are entitled to sexual intercourse regardless of what a woman says or does. There is a myth in our culture that when a woman says "no," she means "maybe" or even "yes."
Talk about Sex. If you choose to say "no" to sexual overtures, do so clearly and assertively. Clear communication and clarification of sexual intentions may also help reduce the possibility of a date's ending in rape.
Don't use drinking as a part of getting to know someone. Seventy-five percent of men and fifty percent of women involved in acquaintance rape situations are under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Alcohol and drugs reduce sexual inhibitions, but they also impair judgment and interfere with people's ability to think clearly and communicate effectively. Some men purposely try to get a woman drunk or high in order to decrease her resistance to sexual overtures. Women who have become high or drunk on their own may become targets of individual men or groups of men looking for someone to victimize. So if you choose to drink or use drugs, pay attention to how much you consume, and know your limits before you find yourself in a difficult, possibly dangerous situation.
Pay attention to clues or negative "gut" feelings about a situation. Don't dismiss them; act on them. Learn how to use your voice, mind, and body as weapons against assaults.
Respect yourself. Develop relationships based on mutual respect. Feel good about yourself; stay away from those who treat you badly.
Watch out for your friends, and pay attention to potentially troublesome situations.
Fiction vs. Fact
Believing myths won't help the victim or you.
Perhaps you've heard some of these:
Victims are to blame in some way for the assault.
Fact: The rapist is always responsible for having committed rape. Regardless of the
victim's appearance, behavior, judgment, or previous actions, the victim is not
responsible for the rape. Rapists are responsible for rape.
Rape is an acceptable expression of sexual desire.
Fact: Rape is an expression of hostility and aggression with sex as the vehicle. Rape
is a violent abuse of power in which one person acts without regard for the pain and
trauma inflicted on another.
It won't happen to me.
Fact: 1 in 4 college women have been victims of rape or sexual assault. About 10% of
sexual assault victims are men.
Men can't stop themselves when they are sexually aroused.
Fact: Men are capable of, and responsible for, controlling both their minds and their
bodies, just as women are.
Rape is usually committed by strangers.
Fact: Almost 90% of college women who were raped knew their assailants. A woman
is far more likely to be raped by someone she knows than by a stranger. The vast
majority of women who are raped are acquainted with their attackers, and many
time rapes happen on dates. Once a woman confronts the possibility of rape,
particularly acquaintance rape, she is force to confront the reality that she or
someone close to her will be victimized. Rape is an expression of hostility and
aggression. It can happen to anyone, at any time.
It's no big deal if a woman is forced to have sex with someone she knows (for example, a friend date, boyfriend, or spouse)-and it isn't really rape.
Fact: Sexual intercourse forced by an acquaintance is rape. In some ways it is more
traumatic than stranger rape because the victim's trust in others and in her own
judgment can be seriously damaged.
Men are never victims of sexual assault.
Fact: Wrong! Men and boys are victims of sexual assault too. Size, strength,
personality, and sexual orientation do not necessarily determine who will be
assaulted. Sexual violence is used by the perpetrator as a means to control and
dominate. Unfortunately male victims rarely seek help, or even confide in their
friends, due to embarrassment and the fear that they will not be taken seriously.
Since the public rarely hears about male victims and their experiences, men who
have been abused may feel even more isolated.
Sexual violence does not occur between lesbians or gay men.
Fact: Sexual violence does occur in same-sex relationships. Fear of homophobic
responses may prevent victims from seeking help.
If the victim was drunk or drugged, he or she was asking for it.
Fact: Inability to give consent is not "asking for it!" In New York State, forcing sexual
contact on a woman or man without consent is against the law.
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